|the cause of - and solution to - most of my life's frustrations.|
i did not ring in the new year as i had hoped. in fact, i did not ring in the new year at all.
the new year arrived somewhere in between rounds of charlie in his bedroom door screaming "me want to go downstairs!" and me, patiently as i could muster, placing him gently back in his bed and telling him i loved him, goodnight.
i finally collapsed in my bed around 2:30 a.m. after he finally, FINALLY, fell into a mommy-milk induced sleep and let me place him in his bed to stay. my last thought was a whispered prayer that please may these children sleep.
at 7:11 a.m., the tiniest feet in the house padded next to my bedside and asked to sleep with me, which translated to throwing elle belle at daddy and eating my chapstick. so much for sleep.
and i was mad. i didn't yell at charlie, but i did grump at both he and john to go upstairs and play. and when my husband got up to tend to them a while, i silently seethed in my bed, unable to go to sleep as they loudly ate breakfast and played in my living room. and when my husband came back to bed, i not-so-silently seethed to him. and then i cried, because i don't know how to do this. i'm just so tired.
* * *
this year, i have a new baby coming. this isn't going to simplify our lives.
i am setting this personal goal - not a resolution, and there's no absolute on whether i've reached it or not - for 2016: i want to practice being a more joyful mother.
yes, i am tired and resent my sleep being destroyed.
but i am also blessed to be woken by these charming, active, kind, intuitive, intelligent little boys each day.
how much better would their lives be - how much better would MY life be - if i greeted them each morning with a smile and a hug, and told them how glad i was to see them, even if i was exhausted and a little unhappy that i'd been woken after only a few hours?
for 2016, i am going to try to wake up grateful each morning, and express my gratitude to these little men and their daddy (and the unknown little life that will join us mid year).
i won't promise sunshine and roses every morning.
i will probably fail as often as i succeed.
but i will try to wake up smiling and counting my blessings large and small.